Hey, 'Merica...
Remember taking field trips as a kid, and before you got on the bus the teacher would admonish everyone to be on their best behavior because you’d be representing the school? That’s pretty much what it’s like to be a foreigner. I am, for all purposes, the United States of America. How Koreans see me informs their opinion of the country from whence I came, so I try not to pick any wedgies or noses or other embarrassing things in public.
It also makes me your spokesperson, America. When the Koreans in my life want to know how the electoral college works or why we wear shoes indoors or what’s the deal with the finale of Lost they come to me. It’s a rough gig for someone so out of touch with pop culture she just referenced a show from 10 years ago. (In my defense, they’re still watching Friends over here.) But I do my best on your behalf in order to build bridges of cultural understanding or some such thing.
But lately, America, I’m unable to speak for you. Because frankly, I have no idea what you’re doing. So here are a few of the questions Koreans are asking me these days. Maybe you could fill me in on the answers?
What the heck are you doing with all that toilet paper?
This is definitely one of the top questions I get asked. Koreans are devoted TP users themselves (much of the rest of Asia prefers water and are sometimes quite fancy about it). But they can’t begin to imagine why we’d hoard THAT over, say, food.
So I’ve been telling them we eat it.
What can I say? I get bored answering the same question over and over again – that’s why my students think I’m 100 years old and related to Batman. So unless someone tells me different I'm sticking with it. It gives adults a much-needed laugh and makes kids go saucer-eyed. My goal is to convince an entire generation of South Koreans that toilet paper is America’s favorite snack food.
Do Americans think the pandemic is over?
Uh, we don’t right? Because the infection rates are skyrocketing and we're still only on the first wave. WHO just logged the most cases ever in a single day: 183,000 globally, of which the US provided 36,000. That’s 20%. That’s a lot.
It’s not a fluke either. So far today (June 24, 2pm KST) America has logged over 34,000 new infections. That is basically the entire population of my hometown. So again, a lot. The US also lost 794 lives today, nearly three times South Korea's total deaths over the entire epidemic.
That’s not to say it’s finished here either – SK is officially on its second wave of infections despite being one of the biggest success stories of the pandemic. No country on earth should be blowing the all clear just yet.
And the longer coronavirus sticks around, the more we’re learning about all the terrifying, unanticipated ways it can mess you up.
But hey, maybe I’m missing the sunny side. Let me know. And while we’re on the subject:
Do Americans really think their country is doing well against Covid-19?
You tell me, guys. But bear in mind that Koreans are (I’ve heard) good at math and therefore able to count.
The US and South Korea logged their first cases of Covid-19 on the same day, January 20. As of posting, South Korea has lost 281 lives to the virus. The US has lost 123,476.
Our country is so obviously screwed that in May South Korea sent more than 2 million masks as medical aid. (America isn't just receiving international aid - we're requesting it.). 500,000 of those masks were earmarked for Korean War veterans who are all by virtue of their age in the danger zone. 10,000 more were for Native American veterans, which I thought was especially nice since their own government's first impulse was to send faulty masks and body bags.
Literally everyone else on the planet can see the US has majorly dropped the ball. Their only question is whether we see it too. Given that our president recently tried spinning the staggering death rate as “a badge of honor,” I’m guessing no?
Are Koreans the apples or the oranges?
Supposedly someone somewhere decided that comparing the US and South Korea’s Covid-19 responses is like comparing disparate fruit. Huh?
It is absolutely valid to make comparisons between two first-world capitalist democracies with top-tier medical systems. Yes, the population of South Korea is smaller than that of the US – the infrastructure and resources are correspondingly smaller as well.
But sure, raw numbers (like the ones I used above) can be misleading. Fortunately, it takes two seconds to math them into shape by calculating a country’s case or death-rate per 100,000 people.
For example, John Hopkins University’s analysis of mortality rates put South Korea at 0.54 deaths for every 100,000 people (not infected people – of the entire population). US’s rate is 68 times higher at 36.67 deaths per 100,000 people.
I understand numbers can be hard to relate to, so here are a few other death rates/100,000 in the US for comparison:
Influenza: 2
Car accident: 12
Pneumonia: 15
Breast cancer (women): 20
Lung cancer: 35
Looking at it another way, my home state of Wisconsin has achieved roughly twice the number of Covid-19 cases as South Korea in just over half the time – and with more than twice as many deaths. This despite having roughly a tenth of SK’s population. Yet Wisconsinites keep telling me it’s not bad there at all.
(You’ve spotted the flaw, of course – how do we know coronavirus numbers are accurate? Since many cases are entirely asymptomatic we can’t truly know. But South Korea has consistent, centralized reporting and incredibly pro-active testing and contract tracing policies. The US… doesn’t. Plus deaths are likely being underreported there, so the disparity is probably even greater than it looks.)
So how would you like me to spin this to my Korean friends? American initiative?
Why aren’t Americans wearing masks?
Yeah, I’m unclear on this too. Supposedly wearing face masks restricts our fundamental liberties in some way? Yet presumably everyone’s still buckling seat belts and strapping their kids into car seats. And I don’t recall any riots against the shoes-shirt-service policy of that evil oppressor McDonalds. So how, exactly, does being asked to wear a mask during a pandemic cross the line?
I guess there’s a story floating around that masks dangerously lower your immune system or something? Guys, there’d be a lot of dead Koreans if that were the case. They start wearing masks as toddlers – against pollution, illness, as a courtesy to others. And they live four years longer than the average American. How bad can masks possible be?
Of course, maybe you don’t feel personally at risk from Covid-19. That’s nice for you. Misguided, but nice. But many other people are in legitimate danger, and you don’t know who. It’s not like the immunocompromised wear signs. And since a huge percentage of coronavirus cases are asymptomatic, you can’t be sure you’re not a spreader. Endangering others does not make you more free; it does kinda make you an asshole.
Face masks help protect you from all kinds of bad stuff. Spend a winter in Ulaanbaatar and tell me otherwise. In fact, there are a lot of Mongolian children sick with lung problems right now, so if y’all don’t want the masks I’ll tell Korea to send them there instead next time.
Why don’t Americans care about the elderly?
In Korean culture, your status increases with your age. So the elderly are treated with great respect; they get the biggest birthday parties, the deepest bows, and a free pass on all rude behaviors – even (gasp) talking on their phones on the bus. If a Korean politician suggested sacrificing old people to appease the economy gods he’d lose a lot more than face.
South Korea – have I mentioned this? – really has its shit together on Covid-19, and the overall death rate here is quite low: 2.29% versus the US at 5.5% and the world in general at 5.45%. In fact, it’s right in line with original scientific estimates of what to expect if everyone had access to testing and care.
And yet even here the death rate for people over 80 is 25%.
That is a ratio of one-in-four grannies. I think we can all agree (Dan Patrick excluded) that this is an unacceptable number of grannies to lose. And as grannies-in-potentia, you’d think we’d all have a vested interest in safeguarding the lives of the elderly. I don’t know about you, but I’m not looking forward to being told someday that it’s totally worth letting me die to maintain profit margins at the Olive Garden.
Clearly the best way to ensure our grannies (and grampies) survive Covid-19 is to make sure they don’t catch it in the first place.
So tell me again why Americans aren’t wearing masks?
Why do Americans listen to politicians over medical experts?
Again, someone fill me in because I have no idea.
If your car broke down, you’d go to a mechanic. If your wiring sizzled you’d call an electrician. If you wanted a cut and digital perm because you deserve to look amazing, you’d visit a stylist. (And if you know someone good within a reasonable commute from Jeju, let me know.)
In none of these circumstances would you consult a politician, because politicians don’t know jack about such things. It is not their area of expertise. Lindsey Graham can’t rewire your kitchen and Nancy Pelosi would freaking shear you like a sheep.
Donald Trump doesn’t know shit about medicine.
You don’t call a politician in a pandemic. You call a doctor. Like those working for WHO or the CDC or your local hospital. These people have devoted their lives to the health and wellbeing of others, and they did not slog through 7 to 12 years of training and incur an average of $200,000 in student loan debt just to yank your chain.
All medical workers deserve respect and support. If you can’t doing that because it’s right, then selfish reasons are fine. You wouldn’t piss off the server who handles your food, right? Why troll the doctor who might save your life?
Why do white Americans keep killing black Americans?
I don’t know if you’re aware of this, America, but we’re super famous for shooting people. God knows why. Anyway, ever since coronavirus took off in the States, my Korean friends have been saying that it will take years before they feel comfortable visiting the US again. It’s not the virus – they’re confident we’ll get that under control. Eventually. It’s the hate crimes, which they’re confident we won’t. And the horrific murders of black Americans like Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor, George Floyd, and Rayshard Brooks have solidified this mindset.
The Koreans I’ve spoken to know that Chinese people are being targeted in the US for supposedly starting the pandemic. They also suspect that the average American can’t tell the difference between a Chinese person and a Korean. So far the evidence bears this out.
Anyone else want to field this one? The best I'm coming up with is, “Don’t worry, you're not the minority we usually shoot.”
Is there any good news on Covid-19 in the US?
Well, most days I don’t think so. Frankly, this whole thing has been kind of a bummer, and I’m 99% sure it’s going to get worse.
Columbia University recently released a study analyzing Covid deaths in the US through May 3rd. Their findings suggest more than half of those deaths could have been avoided if the lockdown had been instituted just one week earlier; 83% if two weeks earlier.
And now the US has opened up way too fast. Science tells us this will lead to Bad Shit. America is apparently not listening to science. To me, that sounds like a formula for dead Americans.
But I take comfort in the fact that countries look different (usually worse) from the outside. Rather like when the rest of the world loses its mind over some wild Kim Jong-un rumor and everyone in South Korea is like, “Say what now?”
Per the brilliant XKCD’s webtoon on recent poll data, respecting stay-at-home policies is currently more American than apple pie. Stuff like that gives me hope that there’s a lot of good news I’m not seeing.
But what I do see does not makes us look good, guys. Please understand that while I do my best to represent America, this is not a one-way street. How you all behave impacts what Koreans think of me. So I’d really appreciate it if you could stop quaffing cleaning products and start taking some personal responsibility for yourselves and your communities.
Otherwise I’ll be telling people I'm from Southern Canada.
-Erin